The Night Before Christmas
Notable Christmas Eve's Throughout History
by William Chelsea
Christmas Eve is a great annual holiday in our otherwise bland and boring lives. It's our chance to get plastered at the office Christmas party and make enough photocopies of our asses to wallpaper our apartments. We can grope the ugly, desperate chick from accounting with the glasses thick enough to stop a bullet without feeling ugly and desperate ourselves. Oh, and of course there are always those recycled gifts from our cheap-ass friends to look forward to the next morning. That is, unless we're so hung over that we dive for cover at the first sound of tearing gift-wrap. But for all this fun, December 24th is remembered for a lot of other stuff too. So kick back with your spiked eggnog while SOAK Magazine and the Ghost of Christmas Past reminds you, 'twas the night before Christmas when...
In 1814, the War of 1812 ends with the signing of the Treaty of Ghent. The second major war between the United States and Britain results in the Star Spangled Banner, written by Francis Scott Key after Fort McHenry fights off a massive British bombardment campaign. However, because of the lack of email or even trans-Atlantic carrier pigeons in these times, news of the treaty take a while to get to America from Belgium. In the meantime, the Brit army attacks New Orleans and has their heads handed to them by a much smaller American force. Yeah, merry fucking Christmas, ol' chaps!
In 1851, fire destroys two-thirds of the Library of Congress. In total about 35,000 volumes are lost, including most of Thomas Jefferson's personal library, which he sold to the institution in 1815. Fortunately, the National Collection of 19th Century Girlie Picture Books survives, eventually giving rise to SOAK Magazine.
In 1865, a group of confederate veterans founded the KKK in Pulaski, Tennessee. Southern states notice a sharp increase in sales of white sheets, moonshine consumption, and cases of inbreeding.
In 1895, Henry Ford completes his first successful gasoline engine. With the help of his wife, Ford successfully runs his first combustion engine in the kitchen of his home. Nothing says Christmas like the smell of super leaded gasoline exhaust hanging over Mrs. Ford's burnt meatloaf. Mm-MM!
In 1906, the first known radio broadcast is made. Radio experimenter and broadcasting pioneer, Reginald Fessenden begins his "show" in Brant Rock, Massachusetts, with a short speech and a song from his phonograph collection. This was followed by thirty consecutive minutes of annoying pizza commercials.
In 1964, two Viet Cong agents carbomb the Brinks Hotel in Saigon. President Lyndon Johnson rejects proposed retaliatory raids into North Vietnam and instead indicates for the first time that he is sending US combat troops, marking the God-only-knows-how-many-eth time that two dumb fucks have started some major shit with an exploding car.
In 1967, Joe Namath becomes the first NFL quarterback to pass for 4,000 yards. Since that milestone, Jets fans have also celebrated their team's... uh...okay, next question.
In 1979, Soviet troops invade Afghanistan. Trying to pick sides here is like trying to choose between getting genital warts and herpes. Tough call. You lose either way.
In 1990, Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman are married. Today, we know that, while marrying a short, grinning Scientologist is good for one's celebrity, it really doesn't compare to the fame one gains when one kicks the same short, grinning Scientologist to the curb.
In 1994, Islamic extremists hijack Air France Flight 8969 in Algiers and fly to Marseilles, France. They kill 3 hostages before they are eventually taken out by French commandos. Uh... the French have commandos?!
In 1997, Carlos the Jackal is sentenced to life in prison by a French court. We hear that jackals usually end up getting it in large groups doggy-style.
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