How to Bang Desperate Housewives
Disclaimer
I have never seen Desperate Housewives, nor do I ever plan on doing so. In fact, if my guess is right, I am like you, 99% of the Hetero Nation who would rather watch an hour of Jim Gray interview highlights – while you’re getting a proctology exam – than sit through Desperate Housewives. Let the truth be told, America: men only want to bang desperate housewives. Ole!
The Oath
I am a product. I am only a product. When it comes to selling my product (to MILF’S Inc.), I will always put the customer first. The customer is king, er, queen, and I know it is my sole job to make this customer happy.
I know, I know, it reduces us to such, um, tools. And it’s a harsh way to think about ourselves, downright shameful. But someone’s got to do it. Right? I mean, let’s be honest: It’s not marriage we’re looking for either, honey. We’re only looking for a damp tool shed to hang out in for a few good hours a week. And the only thing we need to be successful in that is the right fucking combination to unlock the door.
Left 24, Right 36…
As a salesperson, before any sell is attempted, you must first figure out what your customer’s needs are. And, actually, in this case, they’re pretty simple. I’m generalizing here, but you have to think that the DHW has been neglected by the hubby for years: Lights on, but no one home to listen to her pontificate about PTA meetings, Tupperware parties and facials (not that kind of facial…yet). Therefore, need number one would be: To have someone be there for her. And that means, yup, you’re the one that has to listen to her pontificate. Hell, it doesn’t matter if you even understand what’s coming out of her mouth, you only have to pretend you do. And that move usually consists of a lot of good old-fashioned head nodding. You know the kind, the “in one ear, out the other” type that says: “Sure, say whatever you’d like, honey, I completely commiserate with you – as long as it ends up with me getting to cash in my ‘boner points’ at the end.”
After you provide “good ear,” there’s only one more thing she really wants from you: a hard, sharp tool. Preferably one that has been cut (read: circumcised), and comes with a simple on/off switch that she can control.
Power Point Presentation
Yes, she is in control. Think about it. She’s played the role of society’s good housewife for years, kept in her place by a male dominated society and a husband who brings home the bacon, and makes provisions on how that bacon will be shared. The last thing she wants is “the other” man telling her what to do. Now, if she wants you to take the lead, say, something like, dominate her in the bedroom, she’ll let you know and you’ll oblige her with a few good spankings and such. But, remember: you must first fill your customer’s needs before your own (semen release). Her need is to be in control of every facet of her life, and that includes her sex life. And that includes you Bon Jovi.
The Recipe
You don’t have to be some long hair sissy boy (I’m not talking about you Bon!) who lets her walk all over you: “Yes, ma’am, no ma’am,” oh shut the fuck up. It’s the exact opposite: You must be a confident, virile stud who represents male power (and you don’t have to go off to some mountaintop and beat a drum to get that). This is what’ll really get her off, when she believes she’ll be in charge of you and your manly ways. And she will be. For just as long as it takes to fire the kiddies into her Womb World. “Swim kids, swim!”
Caution to the Wind
Do not knock her up! I repeat (say it with me!): Thou shalt not knock her up.
Knock knock. Who’s there? Your illegitimate fucking kid.
Ask directions beforehand, so you’re not having to take major responsibility after the fact.
GPS Customer Locator
Okay, so, where the hell do I find this type of species if I’m not a member of the PTA? First off, put yourself in her Uggs. Where would you hang out if you were a desperate and lonely housewife aching for a real man to liberate you all over again? Classy restaurant bars? For example, if I live in Los Angeles, I’m headed to Beverly Hills, not Reseda. You should be shaved and wearing something nice – not trying to look like the Cabana Boy from her tennis club.
And that’s another place to prowl: the local tennis club. And if you happen to be an instructor…major bonus. Put an advertisement in the newspaper: Tennis Lessons for Desperate Housewives. Okay, you get the idea.
My favorite place to meet DHWs happens to be at the supermarket. Chances are, you’ll always get them alone, the kids at school, hubby at his two-martini lunch/strip club, mommy busy slaving the day away feeling way unappreciated. It’s your job to make her feel appreciated. “Wow, look at all those groceries, there’s some lucky family out there.” “Excuse me, I’m sorry to bother you, but I’m a bit of a bachelor and I was wondering what kind of lettuce you think is the healthiest?” All right, that last one sucked. But the idea is two-fold: make her feel good about something and appeal to her maternal instinct. When you hit the maternal chord and she feels needed, loved, blah, blah, blah, her vulnerability is exposed and you’re on your way to a conversation. This conversation should end with you asking her if you can help her out with her groceries – before Bag Boy 2 tries it. The guy’s got absolutely nothing going for him, so watch his ass when it comes to cockblocking.
Wherever your play goes on, make sure you offer her something, anything: Help out with groceries, commiseration with her grueling life…something that shows you’re willing to attend to her needs – and that is not a vagina adjustment (right off the bat).
The Best Sales Approach
Always begins with a compliment. With a DHW, flattery will tend to get you everywhere. Don’t be a bullshit artist with it, displaying some cheesy smile on your face like you’re a synchronized swimmer. Look for something small, something honest: “Those are some cool shoes you have.” Women love it when we notice their shoes first, not the fake titties.
Closing the Deal
Once you feel like you’re reeling her in, close the deal. Don’t be a pussy and go home kicking yourself for not trying. What’s the worst that can happen? She turns you down and goes away flattered? You will still have done a good deed for the day.
Tell her that you find her very compelling, intriguing, whatever, and is there a way the two of you can talk sometime? This is when you should be ready to provide her with your business card, preferably without your mother’s address on it. Hand it to her and say something like: “I totally understand where you’re coming from, and if it turns out you don’t call, I won’t take it personally. I just want you to know, if you ever need someone to talk to…about anything…”
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