No matter how solid our primary relationship is, we all pine for the threesome as if it was the last conquest standing between us and the Grim Reaper. This is okay. It’s natural: because a male beast wants to plant his seed in as many patches as possible. And what better way to do it than fire off two birds with one stone? Of course, it should be noted that navigating the waters of the tri-bangathon can be downright reacherous, as “feelings” (of the parties involved) and your manhood are at stake. Soak wants to ease you into the kinkiness gently, as if you were a little boy lost in the candy store, with no direction home. Read on for your breadcrumbs.
The Consideration
Note: The following is all based on the assumption you already have a girlfriend (or: fuck-buddy, which is the best case scenario). Because if you don’t, the only way you’ll get involved with a 3-way equation is A) If you have lots of money, B) You’re part of a swinger’s club, or C) You’re a rock star. Which we think are kind of self-explanatory.
Your Girl: Bi or Bi-Curious? Hate to spoil the party, but if she’s neither, you might as well turn back now and feel lucky if she at least lets you tag her from behind – on a whopping one holiday a year.
Okay, so you’re still reading. Word of warning: Do not bring up “equations” on the first few dates – not only is this a deal breaker, but you know how inept women are at math.
Before tackling this delicate subject you need to be secure with one another, i.e., she needs to know you’re solid (not a serial fucker), and if she brings a third party into the equation, you’re not going to stray – or make fun of her for eternity because of the look she had on her face when she wore the strap-on.
Breaking the Ice
Once you and the missus are comfy with your sexuality, you can begin to feel out how she is on the topic. Of course, if you met her through myspace.com, you can easily see if she checked the “bi” box in her profile. Chances are, if your girl is under 30, she categorizes herself as such. But that doesn’t necessarily mean she is (nor does simply having a tat on her lower back). It could mean she’s just going along with the trend.
You should be aware of how she looks at other women when the two of you are out. Does she catch you sneaking peeks? If so, how does she react? With jealousy (run away!)?
Does she have that teasing, “Oooh, I saw you look!” smile on her face? This would be the opening, in which you say something like, “You got me. But you gotta admit, she was kind of hot.” Or, best-case scenario: you catch her checking out other chicks. This is whenyou can give her the teasing look!
Never, ever, do the stereotypical dude thing and tell her how hot you think her best friend is. Chances are, she’s not going there. And the chick who becomes involved with your game will be completely new to both of you. This way, there’s not a lot at stake, feelings-wise, and the three of you are just in it for one thing: the Pleasure Principle.
Another avenue is honesty. Every couple should spend some time discussing how they can fulfill each other’s needs. And this is when you come right out and tell her your need to play the tri-bone.
Looking for Miss Threesome
Once the kink is out, it’s time to find your prey. Obviously, the Internet is a good start. It’s anonymous enough that you won’t feel inhibited when you’re asking for what you want. But, this is key: let your woman do the soliciting. Other Venusians will feel much more comfortable being approached by one of their own, and not the “hunter.” She should use a nice picture of the two of you, not looking like a Paris Hilton smut tape. (There’s plenty of time for that later!)
Also, you might try reeling in your catch when you’re out on the town. Waitresses are always a good place to start. You know, you and your girl are having a great time, it becomes infectious, the waitress gets involved with your banter, and you slowly work up a friendship. Maybe, by the end of the meal, you ask her if she wants to go hiking sometime. Muy importante: Keep it innocent! That’s the difference between the Internet and real life. On the net, you can get right to the heart of the matter. In life, tread lightly, let one step follow the other.
The Hazards
The biggest hazard is “feelings, nothing more than feelings...” Usually, your girl’s. This goes back to the secure thing. No matter how hot (and regardless of the mind blowing orgasm the third party is giving you) you need to always be conscious to place your girl at the top of the bone-chain. Because it’s her you’re going to have to look at in the morning.
The other hazard: your manhood. (Batter up, baby.) Are you ready to keep that bat swinging for two? If not, and you go all Mr. Flaccid, you need to do the Palmeiro thing and juice it up on Viagra. This way, there can be no failure, as failure is not an option when you’ve finally made it to the big leagues. If you decide not to juice, once you get in the batter’s box, it’s all about taking your time. Don’t go swinging for the fences in the first inning. Start by using other equipment: hands, tongue, big toe. When I had my first threesome, it began in the hot tub, with me kissing one while banging the other one with my big toe. You should have seen the squirming.
Lastly, what if she decides “once she’s had snatch, she’s not going back?” Well, then, you’re fucked. This can be a severe blow to the ego. But, one you can get over it by throwing the bitches out the door and calling Dr. Phil to see if you can get a slot on his show.
Initiation Rites
On the magical night, make sure, once again, to work your way into it. Have a dinner party, which you mainly prepare, so the two ladies can get to know one another better. Because really, you’re only there for your tool. No, really. It’s key that you can sacrifice your male “hunter dude” long enough to get the ball rolling. That’s the Zen, less is more, approach. And, believe me, they’ll let you know when they’re ready for more. Think of yourself in the service of two goddesses. And it’s all about them getting comfortable with each other. Because everyone knows you’ll hop into bed with anything that walks on two legs (one if she has nice hooters). Women play by another rule we’re not conscious of: discretion.
To get the right mood going, think ambience: music, not Whitesnake or rap crap, but a woman’s fav: Sade, Sade, Sade. And then there’s the wine (before you get to the tequila), and anything else you think might make your night a little less inhibited.
When dinner is through, you might use the hot tub for the warm-up. If one’s not available, have your girl suggest a little dancing. It’ll get you up and co-mingling. From there, it’s not far to the three-way lip-lock followed by the bedroom, or kitchen table if that’s your fancy.
Thomas Guide of Kink
You need to tread delicately on this one. Maybe the toys would best be saved for the second “date.” Or maybe you introduce them slowly. Maybe you whip the dildo out and start using it on your girl and see how the other reacts. If she looks open, open the doors of kink: nipple-clamps, hot wax, strap-ons, Twister boards, oh my. It’s all about personal preferences. And it’s your duty to be the tour guide. Sense memory back to that time when you were working at Universal Studios waiting for that big break. Well, you got it now, partner, don’t fuck it up!
The Adios
When the dust settles, and there’s no way you’ll be able to sleep anywhere on the bed without sinking into the wet spot(s), you want to get rid of the third party as quickly, and politely, as possible. You do not want her there to confuse issues when you wake up sober in the morning – no matter how much you’d like to bang her ‘til the sun comes up. Your girl does not need to know this.
The Afterglow
Because when it’s all said and done, you want your woman to know how grateful you are for what just went down, and how hot she was during it. Sure, the other chick was hot, but not as hot as your girl. And you will need to spend some time reassuring her that she is the main squeeze in your life, and always will be. At least, until you dump her for the next main squeeze. And, before that happens, if you play your cards right, maybe she’ll feel comfy enough to do it all again. This is when you break the ice about how you’ve always wanted to be a serious “filmmaker.”
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